Just when I was coming to terms with the loss of my identity after being ‘just a mom’ for over 8 years, it paid
me a visit.  Mind you, a short visit, but it was nice getting acquanted
again after such a long time.

I dropped the kids off at my mother’s house a few days ago
after a frantic morning at home. I felt guilty but I needed time alone,
away from the kids.

After I left my mother’s house I went
straight to Be
st Buy to buy a new wireless mouse as the kids destroyed my last one. That is no one’s fault but my own though.  That in itself was a feat as I HATE
shopping.  I needed the mouse ASAP though, so I had to go to the store instead of buying the mouse online like I wish I could have.

After
getting over the hassle of having a shopping cart run into my car, I went inside Best Buy and was  shocked by
the number of people in the store. Whoa!  It was almost too much. I hadn’t been around so many people at one time in a long time. Sad.  I
went to the computer area, picked up the mouse I wanted, then thought I
would leave but I thought I might as well browse and enjoy myself while I was there.
I enjoyed being around other people of the non-parent variety.  It was nice to see different types of people other than parents, from young kids with spiked hair to college kids with their bellies showing.
I
browsed the store a bit, then after about 15 minutes I decided it was
time to go as I was being totally non-productive which I can’t have.

You
probably think I’m exaggerating but taking that my average outing is to
the grocery store, doctor’s office, or pharmacy, going to Best Buy was
a big deal.   The grocery store clerks, doctor’s and pharmacists have
been my only ‘physical’ social outlet in over a year.

Not only
was going to Best Buy a huge deal, but being in the car ALONE was
amazing. I turned the music up as loud as I wanted, I sang along, and
felt like Alicia again, not only a mom.   That’s when I realized I used to and might still have an identity other than ‘mom’.

After Best Buy I went
home and struggled with which of three things I should do. Work, clean,
or watch a movie which I haven’t done in almost one year.  I chose to
watch a movie.  I knew I had just about two hours before Madelyn woke
up from her nap at my mother’s house so I put the movie in right away,
sat on the couch and vegged for two hours. I worked on the laptop while
watching the movie, but I sat on the couch for two hours.. two
hours of sitting. I didn’t have to get up to calm a crying toddler,
help Sebastian find something, change a dirty diaper, or feed the kids.
I wasn’t responsible for anyone but myself, just like the old days.

One of my New Year’s resolutions is to surface my identity at
least once a month. Whether it be going to the bookstore (not
online) or going for a walk without the kids, I am going to get to know Alicia again.